Posing As Normal© The Humor of Mary Tompsett

The eviction ........The whole thing started with a typo at work. It’s Spell Check’s fault, really. I’d papered the city with flyers advertising Memorial Day’s concert as a “Free Community Rectal!” One missing vowel. Sometimes, management can be so…what’s the term…starts with an “a”… annual retentive! So, fearing a bout of irritable vowel syndrome, I took my first colon cleanse. ........Okay, relax. No graphic descriptions here, thanks to my board-certification in advanced metaphor and simile engineering. I am Writer – hear me sling baloney. ........People cleanse to improve peristalsis. Who? The Greek god? No, silly. You remember Peristalsis – that cute drummer with Yanni. ........The crap we ate as kids might still be in our corridors. Oodles of cupcake papers no one told us to remove. Mounds of red and black wax from fake lips and mustaches. “Pies” of modeling clay, truckloads of swallowed gum, and enough chewed popsicle sticks to build a duodenal deck. Perhaps, cellulite is just stubborn deposits of kindergarten paste!?! Please, yes… oh pretty please…. ........Cleansing removes parasites, too. Have you seen the photos online? Holy anacondas, Batman! Entire tapeworm families swept clean off their popsicle stick patios. ........So, we’re talking eyeless, legless tenants loitering in the halls, ignoring curfews, paying no rent, and mooching free meals?? Yikes! I am Woman, hear me…um…nag them to leave. ........Ouch! The image of a peeved landlady with knee-highs pooled at her ankles falls a tad shy of Cool. But Sigourney Weaver in Alien? Go, girl! If she could battle a horde of steroidal crustaceans in urgent need of orthodontia, then perhaps I could evict one teething baby lamprey from this mother ship. Like, gnarly, dude! ........A warrior persona called for serious Weaverwear: skimpy tank top, with camouflage fatigues tucked into black military boots. A tough order, babycakes, because: (a) Spring combat boots at Army Surplus are all pastel; (b) I can barely find my glasses, much less spot cammo in the closet; and (c) quite frankly, I dumped my fickle friendship with skimpy years ago. So, hoping to scare the bodiddly out of any fashion-savvy parasites, I grabbed a 70’s orange plaid pants suit and my 8th grade drum majorette boots. ........Surveillance and retrieval gear: Shower cap and swim goggles, check. Collanders and noodle serving “claw,” check. Camera and cookie sheets for observation, check. And – just in case – pepper spray and dog kennel with padlock. ........Not everyone understood this level of commitment. Co-workers snickered at my buzz haircut and nose ring. And while the plaid technically complied with company dress code, my boss sent a terse memo about the black paint under my eyes. Hey, the women’s restroom gives off a lot of glare. ........So, what happened? Nada. No aliens. No Loch Ness wannabe. Not so much as a parade of sullen tenants shuffling out with their sleeping bags and comic books. My obstinate cave dwellers had bolted the doors, pulled the drapes, and hunkered down with the remote to wait for the pizza guy. Yes, constipation. ........More water! More sit-ups! More cartwheels! ’Twas an epic battle of good vs. evil, an AARP member battling lower life forms that were really, really good swimmers. Granted, a cleanse isn’t exactly material for the old résumé – okay, maybe under the Personal section. But for the money I paid, my zealous aerial reconnaissance should’ve resulted in some mano a tentacle combat! Warrior? Hah! Try a befuddled border collie nudging stray lambs to the exit ramp. ........To boost my spirits, I adopted some orphaned jelly fish from the pound. Their lovebunny quotient sucks, but they don’t shed much and are supposedly litter trained. ........Also, I’m upping the ante for the next cleanse, and converting back to meatism. You wanna pass me that raw sausage? ........Obviously, parasites can smell plaid. So, on a wild shopping spree at the OSHA outlet I snatched up a darling biohazard jumpsuit – slimming, nice lines, with matching helmet and clutch purse. I am Warrior! O hear me ........…accessorize.