Posing As Normal© The Humor of Mary Tompsett

Did she say La Tease? ........Put on your thinking caps, boys and girls—it’s quiz time! The nice folks who gave us Botox are marketing a glaucoma drug approved for: (a) telekinesis; (b) hemorrhoids; or (c) eyelash growth. ........Eyelashes! Good guess! We in the scientific elite affectionately call the drug (Z)-7-[(1R,2R,3R,5S)-3,5-Dihydroxy-2-[(1E,3S)-3-hydroxy-5-phenyl-1-pentenyl]cyclopentyl]-5-N-ethylheptenamide. Do you know the brand name? (A) Harry Peepers; (b) Trashy Lashies; or (c) Sluttisse. Oops, trick question. The answer is Latisse, but I must say, option (c) has a nice ring to it. ........At last! No more waiting lists for donor lashes from dead mimes. IS LATISSE SAFE? Absolutely! We’re pretty darn sure. After all, an impressive panel of “eye and skin specialists” approved it. WHO WERE THESE SPECIALISTS? Relax, we’re in good hands. The panel consisted of Avon reps and “government experts.” ........THE BENEFITS? Gorgeous lashes so heavy that just blinking will burn an extra 5,000 calories per day. Ooh, baby, I feel a pan pizza comin’ on! ........ANY RISKS? The medical jargon was irritatingly obtuse, with bunches of big words ending in “-emia, -ema, -itis, and -opia.” For those scaredy-cats who nit-pick about risks, a dumbed-down list would include itching, burning, vision problems, pain, and cataracts. Oh yeah, and your irises and eyelids could turn brown. Forever. But hey, who doesn’t love koalas?? C’mon, loosen up! ........HOW DO WE APPLY IT? At night, dab one drop across the upper eyelids at the lash line. No, no!! Not more!!! Are you nuts??!! Easy now, eeeeeasy…. ........PRECAUTIONS? Remove contact lenses before applying Latisse. True, this may “negatively impact visual acuity,” i.e., you’ll see diddly squat. Oh, stop whining. And don’t rub your eyes!!! I told you this stuff may itch and burn—you’re such a baby! Listen up, now. Latisse has “a propensity for follicle enhancement on all epidermal surfaces.” Translation: Careful now, or y’all be sproutin’ in places what ain’t meant to be hairified! See those lab techs over there with hairnets on their hands?? Poor bastards. ........ANY SIDE EFFECTS? Quit texting your friends, Suzie-Q, and read the RISKS section again. ........HOW DO WE MEASURE EFFECTIVENESS? By the Global Eyelash Assessment Scale,” of course! (Scary, but true.) Clinical trials were conducted on oodles of hopeful rodents who failed to make the cut as extras in the Disney film, “Ratatouille.” What? Human subjects? Jeez, we already covered this. See the hairnet blurb above. ........WHAT CAN WE EXPECT? My dear readers, in addition to sporting furry eyelids, your income will double! Tub mildew will vanish, and tofu will taste better! Plus, your sex life will improve!! Some people may even begin to have one. The official position, however, is less exhuberant: “Results may vary.” ........Allow two months to see the outcome of this crap shoot. A number of people can expect long, thick, dark lashes, evenly spaced and symmetrical. Others (no, not you) will see hair growth that is…how to put this…? Bizarre. And did I mention different directions of growth? Indeed. This means that lashes on one eye may be drop-dead sexy while those on the other resemble a drunken millipede at a frat party. ........ANY SYSTEMIC EFFECTS? Nah, the body eliminates 92% of Latisse. Experts voted against the idea of hair growth elsewhere, despite reports of bearded frogs loitering near the wastewater plant. True, the remaining 8% in the body will roam our interior hallways without adult supervision. But why be so negative? Future colonoscopies could be a real hoot! ........IS IT SAFE WHILE PREGNANT? Hmm…let’s just say many preggled lab mice canceled their baby showers. Frankly, I’m appalled at this turn of events. How the hell did those mice get knocked up in the first place?!?! During clinical trials, the little tarts shouldn’t even be dating. ........I’ve just begun my nightly Slutt—er, Latisse program. But not on my eyes—that’s too risky and weird, even for me. No, a dab here and there will coax braids from my facial moles in time for Halloween.