Posing As Normal© The Humor of Mary Tompsett

Pathos Under the Tree ........“…and on every street coroner you’ll hear…Silver bells, sil?” Coroner? Bells?? Sure, we’ve all seen coroners loitering at crime scenes wearing antler hats and whistling “Santa Baby.” But, bells?? Don’t be silly. ........Anyway, are you still shopping for a special someone in your life? You know who I mean, that “alpha dog” in-law or the self-absorbed friend whom you claim to “love dearly, but…” ........O gentle reader, this is your ducky lay!! I mean, yucky…er, lucky…never mind. A recent consumer poll voted my unique gift assortment as the most…classy? No. Breathtaking? Get real. What was that word everyone used…? ........Weird. ........My popular S&M line of gift baskets will?hey! Clean up your dirty mind, buster! By S&M, I mean the “normal” everyday self-sabotage my shrink won’t let me do. Take the Dieters S&M basket ?we stuff it with sweat bands, calorie counter, and a double batch of fudge! And to boost motivation, we’ll toss in a pair of size “0” jeans! Of course, no one will ever squeeze into them. They’re so damn small, even Barbie can’t zip ’em. ........Or, for the perfectionist in your life, give the S&M 5,000 piece puzzle. For a dash of passive-aggressive holiday sparkle I guarantee a maximum of (heh-heh) 4,999 pieces! Truly, the gift of frustration is timeless. ........Perfectionists are often clean freaks, so consider the S&M “Oops!” gift basket packed with homemade beet soup and spaghetti sauce in antique porcelain containers…that leak! Add a set of pristine placemats made from the hides of endangered albino silkworms and watch the fun! ........Many family trees grow a dysfunctional branch—mine is chock full of fruits and nuts. We love the “Take Just One” basket, designed to tickle all the addicts with a complete array of booze, sweets, smokes, lottery tickets and calling cards for 1-800-OOHBABE. ........Another perennial favorite is the Resentment Preservation Pack. At last, a way to prolong the life and vibrance of your anger! Protect those bitter, hateful relationships you’ve nurtured through the years. Pack includes jeweled boxes to store precious grudges, and a workbook for rewriting past fights as you see them! Has time faded the lustre from your initial outrage? Try our “Scab Off” organic solution to restore old emotional hurts to searing clarity. Order now, and we’ll include a box of “Kick Me” transdermal patches for a steady, controlled, dose of martyrdom that can’t be beat.