Posing As Normal© The Humor of Mary Tompsett

Hey There, Big Boy ........I’ve got a nasty mother of a bruise on my neck. Remind me not to fall asleep again on the couch—I woke up lying across a rawhide chew. Of course, explaining how I gave myself the bruise makes me sound one part lazy, and about four parts stupid. ........So, I tell people it’s a hickey. ........Ever see those “How to Flirt” articles? I don’t normally read them because, no matter what you’ve heard, I am not a loser, okay? To be clear, the only reason I spent days at the university’s flirt archives was to gather facts. I was accumulating hard data for, you know…jokes. ........I swear on the grave of Rin-Tin-Tin, I am one rockin’ broad who can still dig her hooks into an eligible hunk. Not anywhere I’d have to compete with nubile babes, of course, but certainly at a retirement seminar or prostate screening. ........The data suggest that a number of flirting techniques are “sure to make ’em drool.” I can whip up a dandy drool all by my lonesome, thank you very much. And whether it’s yours or mine, bubba, hanging threads of spit don’t do it for me anymore. But, hey, that’s just me. Turns out, a girl’s best trolling moves include eye contact; hair flips; grooming; footsies; oral antics; and laughing. The usual stuff over at the baboon cage. ........As a public service, I took these moves out for a test drive. Not to replay the “come catch me, come take me” games of yesteryear, but to measure their propensity for age-enhanced durability, i.e., DO THEY STILL WORK FOR GEEZERS?? After reading this column, some folks might say I crashed and burned. Man, they are so firetruckin’ judgmental! ........First, I tried a hair flip with my unsuspecting mechanic. This maneuver always worked back when I had long, dark hair. But I misjudged the distance to my silver noggin and knocked off my trifocals. While thumbing the lenses back into the frames, I gave my head a sassy shake, like the singers on American Idol. Caution: dangle earrings + lacy collar = intersection of Pain Blvd. and Idiot Lane. ........While running errands, I nabbed a parking space ahead of another driver. He seemed irked at this, so to show friendliness I gave him a long “smoldering” look. We maintained intense eye contact until I brought it home with a slow-motion kiss. I’m no expert on body language, but that really lit him up! Always keep 911 on speed-dial. ........As luck would have it, I attended a high school reunion and ran into an old flame. Actually he was a bald, paunchy version of the flame I remember. Anyway, I fixed him in my crosshairs and began flicking at imaginary lint on the hem of my skirt. No response. So I kicked the grooming routine up a notch, yanked a Bissell Baby from my purse, and vacuumed the dandruff off my shoulders. He yawned and waved to the former prom queen. What the hell?!? After dinner, I even picked my teeth with a bobby pin, yet he never even looked my way. Bastard. ........Later I sidled over and dangled a shoe from my toes. Listen up, all you lovebunnies. Dangle only while sitting—do not attempt this if standing! And remove your orthotics! In hindsight, high heels would’ve been easier to dangle, and sexier. Take my word, ice skates are cumbersome. And a bit odd in summer. ........Time was running out so I mounted a full-court press with the lip thing. Flapped the old lipperoos in a frenzy of licking, sucking, biting. I won’t bore you with details, except to say I’m considering a stronger denture adhesive. ........Victory hung in the air, so I figured What the hell, gimme Mating Rituals for 1000, please, Alex…and I unbuttoned my blouse. ........If laughter is flirting, then he was doubled over with the hots for me.