Posing As Normal© The Humor of Mary Tompsett

CEO, CFO, E-I-E-I-O ........Good morning, class. Can you say “global platform” without gagging? Very good! Now, wrap your tongues around the following mission statement, if you will. Our consumer-centric model of cost containment seeks to optimize and empower broad-based initiatives with superior adherence to multi-faceted, top-tier performance while aggressively maximizing an outstanding portfolio of core values and strategic imperatives. ........If there’s a hell, for me it shall not consist of eternal fire or physical torture. No, damnation would instead be sitting in an endless staff meeting to hammer out a corporate mission statement, and to do this without snickering or barfing up a hairball. ........Guess who wrote the following mission statement? “Profitability is critical….We…pioneered many of the practices and techniques…standard in the industry.” Goldman Sachs. Financial pioneer, indeed. ........Answer this if you can: “Love, love, love” was the mission statement coined by (a) the Beatles, or (b) Mother Teresa? So sorry, trick question. The answer is (c) Tiger Woods. ........And how about this gem? “Be the mortgage insurer of choice through...disciplined risk taking…and maintain the esprit de corps that we all treasure.” C’mon, this is so easy – AIG! Of course, you can bet your corporate patootey that a nine million dollar bonus will goose the old Esprit a helluva lot more than a cookie exchange in the breakroom. ........For a company to say it intends to “make cheap stuff for big bucks” is honest, and simply not done. Much wiser to grab a thesaurus and trot out something like, “With unwavering hubris and clear sociopathic parameters, we partner with our customers across the social graph, ensuring the free and rapid exchange of currency from their hands to ours.” See how nice that sounds?? ........Here are a few samples I dug out of the “What if…?” drawer. ........Romance Novels: As a giant among competitors, our thrust is a client centered rhythm that pulses past the temptations of mediocrity and embraces a plethora of throbbing corporate initiatives. We stalk our target markets with white-hot passion, culminating in the fevered coupling of value and profitability, and ultimately yielding to the consummation of customer desires. ........Mafia Hit Men: We offer unflinching conflict resolution, specifically, customized strategies outsourced to a cohesive network of aggressive entrepeneurs to ensure family dominance and power through competitor containment or neutralization. We “git’er done,” or else. ........Exorcist: Provide quality onsite services consisting of ancient rituals and incantations, and implement innovative techniques to confront the multi-faceted vagaries of demonic possession. One-stop shopping for all your possession needs, including “coming out” party decorations. ........The Spanish Inquisition: We champion the relentless pursuit, accusation, interrogation, imprisonment, torture, dismemberment or permanent neutralization of persons with dissenting religious views and practices. ........Santa Claus: This sole proprietorship remains the undisputed leader in toy manufacturing and distribution by managing a diverse asset portfolio of spying, speed, deception, and global trafficking in elves. The owner is uniquely positioned to imprint millions of children with unrealistic expectations that will inevitably lead to lives plagued by consumerism and materialism. ........PeptoBismol: Providing superior gastrointestinal assistance to mitigate distress and promulgate an efficacious and forceful offloading of agitated stomach contents. Offering bulk discount for corporate staff meetings. ........Tidy Bowl Toilet Cleaner: Contact, engage, and eliminate threats or undesirable entities of all kinds, foreign and domestic, biological or inert, and flush them from identified containment areas. ........CIA: See Tidy Bowl. ........Acme Clinic for ADHD: We advance intelligent – oh, wait! How about concurrent education in—chicken salad on rye, please…and to spearhead—hey, whatchu lookin’ at?? Using pharmaceuticals when—no, no! Stop it! Our parental outreach component—I said put it down…don’t make me come over there or…YAY! COOKIES!! ........In closing, the thought of writing and living by a personal mission statement makes me feel a hairball coming up. But if I had to have one, here goes: Maintain the delicate and inversely proportional ratio of work and play as entirely skewed toward whatever nonsense deepens the laugh lines.