Posing As Normal© The Humor of Mary Tompsett

Freezin’ My Ash Off Ode to an Amaryllis: What a thrill to see your first leaf, and your blooms will soon be a treat. But this phase inbetween? Budded stalk, you’re obscene! Can I get you some boxers or briefs?? ........Midwesterners aren’t as backwards as some of the “coastal elite” may think. No, by cracky, we have our BlackBerries, same as elsewhere. Pears and melons, too. But I’ll admit, a stray clump of hay can wreak havoc in our rotary phones. ........The Midwest even has its own cryonics facilities. Also known as cryogenics, the process involves freezing a dead body until future technology can restore it to life. Holy jumper cables, we’ve come a long way! Gone are the old days when we stored Uncle Larry in a jumbo Tupperware filled with frozen corn. Some FAQs now, for our curious readers. ........What happens at death? Hey, we never use negative terms like DIE and DEATH! Instead, we say the body enters a state of apparent de-animation. This sounds way perkier, but don’t expect the stiff to keep holding up its end of the conversation. Of course, on a cellular level all hell is breaking loose, with entire neighborhoods heading for the dumpster. So, it’s important to quickly chill and ship the de-animated lump to a cryogenic facility. We recommend certified truckers, such as Birdseye, Green Giant, or Ben & Jerry’s. ........Is cryonics expensive? Nah. We calculate the cost/value ratio as a paltry $30K/600 months x 365 £ + v a-b + µ ‰ x 24/7 + 8. The cost of a Dove Bar per day. Clients may also select the cheaper Turtleneck Option. That’s when only the brain is frozen, without all those extra organs, muscles and other bodily doodads taking up storage space. ........Yup, the Turtleneck is your basic beheading. Besides lowered cost, freezing only the head has other advantages: no more missing socks, constipation, or toenail fungus. At last, say goodbye to that “muffin top” midriff! ........Will I be stored belly up? Very funny. No, you’ll be dunked, upside down, into a giant thermos of super-cooled liquid nitrogen, sharing it with several other corpsicles. Think of it as carpooling to the future! Turtleneck clients, however, will repose in semi-private neurocranial lounging compartments, i.e., a big ice cube tray we call the Noggin Toboggan. ........But I want my own thermos! Why is everything always about you? This is precisely why everyone thinks you’re a selfish bastard. ........What happens after I’m thawed out? Depends. How disgusting is your freezer burn? Are you willing to become an amputee? To switch genders? If you’re on Team Turtleneck, your head will wake up to fresh coffee and Danish. Cool, huh? Then we’ll either regrow the rest of you or set up a Meet & Greet with a headless goon from the temp agency. ........Freezer burn?!? I don’t like the sound of that. Oh, picky picky. We friggin’ bring you back to life, and you whine about a little disfigurement? ........What else could go wrong? Jeez, you really are a worrier! I suppose there’s a chance that thecompanymaygounder and turntheplasceintoaStarbucks. It’s also possible that aminimumwagehighschoolkid will botchthecriticalthawingprocess. Then again, youcouldbesuccessfullythawed but wakeupinJulyontheoutskirtsofTucson. And I don’t mean poolside, sipping a Margarita. No, I’m talkin’ a wake-up call inside a dark, locked U-STOR-IT shed. And if you’re a Turtleneck dude, good luck dialing 911. ........If I eat a big dinner before I, uh, de-animate, will I be full when I wake up? Will there be a bathroom nearby? Any vending machines? Man, you are so fried, I suggest cremation. ........Can I be cremated and also frozen? Righto! With our new Baked Alaska package, we’ll gladly toast you crispy, sweep you into an ice cream cone and then freeze your sorry ash. ........Personally, I hate being cold. So, instead of cryonics, I’m gonna have my rotting carcass dipped into brightly colored wax, labeled and packed in a cardboard box with other dead artists. That’s right. Crayonics.