Posing As Normal© The Humor of Mary Tompsett

Heading Off to the Holidays ........Ah, Thanksgiving. A great time to gather with friends and family to appreciate our many blessings. A time to ponder the spiritual kaleidoscope of life itself: Abundance, and love. Gratitude. Hope. Beheadings. ........Of course, in bypassing the usual Hallmark holiday images and opting to write an intellectual treatise on beheading, I’m sticking my neck out, heh-heh. Ever hear those stories of lucid decapitation? The heads of some animals and humans have reportedly stayed conscious for a few seconds after being hacked off. In these cases, the eyes in the dead head either tracked movement or opened in response to a friendly greeting, perhaps a hearty “Yo, Mabel! That cute guy in Sales wants your number!” ........Early explorers reported that when African tribes beheaded their enemies, they tied the victim’s head to a bent sapling so that at the moment of decapitation, the head launched into the air. Imagine all the glide records that could’ve been broken, had the victims been allowed to wear sombreros. Note to self: Add to top—oh wait, bottom—of “bucket list.” ........During a 1905 execution, the victim’s eyelids allegedly opened twice and looked around. And that was all?? Seems pretty self-absorbed if you ask me, when he could so easily have brightened some union henchman’s workday with a wink, an eyebrow waggle or a few air kisses. ........Decapitation can’t seem to shake its nasty reputation and remains somewhat unpopular. People, people, people! Why must we always be so negative?? There are many positive aspects: (1) It’s 100% effective in silencing all those voices in your head, without drugs; (2) No more migraines! Ever! and (3) Beheading offers all the advantages of a lobotomy — docility, freedom from mood swings, plus no insurance pre-authorization and no unsightly scar! ........Arizona now leads the nation’s economic recovery with the emergence of new beheading-related businesses, such as customized cranium receptacles, and catered receptions. Always adhering to the parameters of good taste, many execution packages offer such features as pre-event bachelor parties or, for more conservative groups, an old-fashioned pie fight. ........The African head-launching thing has modern-day marketing potential, especially if helmets are available. Speaking for myself, the idea of my head crashing to earth while still alive might, perhaps, dampen the whole flying experience. If, on the other hand, one opts for a traditional decapitation, a customized receptacle would be dandy. Why land in a scratchy old basket if you could dive into a box of flowers? Or, puppies! Hey, a tub of hot fudge!! ........In a 1989 decapitation by car accident, a survivor described how he had lain pinned in his seat and “My friend’s head came to rest face up, and (from my angle) upside-down….his mouth opened and closed no less than two times. The facial expressions he displayed were first of shock or confusion, followed by terror or grief….his eyes moved from me, to his body, and back to me. He had direct eye contact with me when his eyes took on a hazy, absent expression…and he was dead.” ........Okay, then. If you or I were decapitated but still lucid for a few seconds, what would we say? Enlightened souls might utter final words of love or wisdom, but I ain’t one of ’em, bubba. No, sir. If I suspect that the ol’ noggin has just gotten its walking papers, this broad will be a tad peeved. In fact, “grumpy” won’t even begin to cover it. So, depending on who’s nearby—a sibling, friend, foe, or in-law—could we resist blurting one last zinger, just for laughs? ..To a sibling: “Mom said not to tell, but…you were adopted.” ..To a spouse: “Forgive me, I slept with your boss.” ..To a buddy: “Dude! Party with my VISA card! I hid it in—” ..To a catty co-worker: “You know, those jeans really make you look fat.” ..And my favorite… ..“I put your Social Security number on Facebook, hahaha.”