Posing As Normal© The Humor of Mary Tompsett

Suction Silliness ........Guess it’s time for new glasses. I walked up to a sidewalk concession stand and told the vendor I had impure thoughts while watching Toy Story 3. He scooped up the hot dogs and slammed his window. Oops! I coulda sworn it said Confessions. ........In other news, my bagless vacuum broke. Actually, I discovered the receptacle’s hinged bottom was gone. What the…? I must’ve thrown that piece out with the dirt the last time I vacuumed—roughly six weeks ago. Thank God, compulsive disorders are, like, SO treatable! I’m now on medication and don’t clean nearly as often. ........Pet hair was filling my house, and wide-eyed vermin lay trapped inside the dust bunnies. I needed a new vacuum, and fast! Armed with a Consumer Reports, I considered various models. Choose thou wisely, oh pouty-lipped maiden!! Okey dokey. I went with the yellow one. ........The tiny canister looked just like the Barbie Dream Brothel that Santa never brought me. Damn him. Females of my generation endured a Barbie-deprived childhood, already harnessed in training bras by the time Mattel reshaped the nation’s psyche. With my new yellow vacuum, I pictured Skipper and Ken enjoying a romp in the mirrored suite. Way to go, Kenny boy! Skipper may have been second-string, but she was way sluttier than she ever got credit for. ........Okay, then. Reality check: (1) I’m a teensy bit old for brothels, Dream or otherwise; and (2) Apparently suction is sold separately, because this vacuum has nada. Zip. “Cleaning” consists of pushing the crud into piles while hunched over like a Cro-Magnon gal chasing grubs with a forked stick. The upper body workout is great, although I’m not that keen on my enlarged “Popeye” forearms. ........So I ditched Consumer Reports and dove into the science websites. It seems that mammals exposed to a vacuum will lose consciousness after a few seconds and die! Huh. And I thought my Ex was just lazy. Was he in fact…(gasp!) a closet physicist?!? ........Experiments also showed that a vacuum is especially lethal to small animals. Fortunately, insects are fair game, but man, it’s a bitch when the upholstery nozzle clogs on the occasional spider with meaty glutes and thighs. ........A vacuum holds nothing in it but a few photons. Fine by me, honey, as long as it still picks up the cat hair. Also, photons can be removed from a vacuum, but neutrinos and dark matter will loiter wherever the hell they want. Frankly, this bugs the crap out of me. ........How can anyone get a decent night’s sleep knowing that gangs of neutrinos may be partying in the dark matter under the sofa? Carousing in a licensed Dream Brothel is one thing, mind you, but there will be hell to pay if I pull out the stove and find a tiny stripper pole back there. ........Medieval religious leaders considered it heresy to believe in vacuums. I imagine that really boosted broom sales, huh? Predictably, after the Bissells were beheaded, members of the Sears nobility quietly shifted their marketing focus to freezers. ........Then Newton invented his famous fig cookies, and discovered a few laws: (1) A cookie at rest or in motion tends to stay that way unless acted upon, often by someone’s teeth; (2) Every bite has an equal and opposite reaction, so keep your fat pants handy; and (3) Uh, I think something about mass…?? Oh well, I’m not Catholic. ........But, what’s this about PHOTON SUCKING!?! Now that’s the power I need! So, I put an ad on Craigslist – WANTED: Photon sucker. Experience with neutrinos and dark matter. Small animals off limits. Oh, my goodness!! Many nice gentlemen responded, eager to have a go at my photons. Several truckers wondered if I was the redhead who danced at the Neutrino Club. And a local dairy farmer, bless his heart, made a courteous and thoughtful inquiry: ........Exactly which animals did I consider too small?