Posing As Normal© The Humor of Mary Tompsett

Bye-bye, Bics® ........Exciting news! Every adult sloughs off about 40,000 skin cells per minute! That’s right, amigos, even comatose couch veggies are multi-tasking. And with all those cells landing on the nachos and the TV Guide…OMG, we look thinner! So, regardless of our sloth level on any given day, we can bask in the glory of this accomplishment. What a golden nugget for the ol’ resumé! Insert it in the Personal Achievements section. ........Ads are everywhere for the new e-vapor cigarette, a white plastic stick that releases inhalable nicotine vapor. No tars or secondhand smoke, just naked addiction sold in a new and “healthy” package. Wow, ain’t technology grand?? Some of us remember “smoking” candy cigarettes when we were kids?again, no downside, just a “golly, this is fun” delivery system for sugar, the preferred drug of children everywhere. The candy also gave a heady sense of omnipotence when we finally bit into the “lit” end. Of course, for those kids who later took up tobacco, chewing the lit end was a hard habit to break. In my experience, dark lipstick does a bang-up job of hiding the skin grafts. ........In my twenties, I started smoking to catch a buzz and to foster the illusion of being cool. Eventually I quit and have regularly revised my idea of “cool.” Currently it means wearing socks that aren’t too dissimilar and remembering to put in my false tooth before running errands. ........Yeah yeah, tobacco is nasty stuff, but some aspects of the smoking culture have nested within our psyche, such as brand image. Take Virginia Slims. Has there ever been a woman who, even after polishing off a 20-inch deluxe pan pizza, could light one up and not instantly feel thinner? And guys loyal to Camels or Marlboros would’ve gladly endured a head-spinning, “full restraints” withdrawal before getting caught holding a wussy Dunhill, much less a “lady” cigarette. Now, with e-cigarettes, say hi to androgyny, a reliable yet underused word. ........Ashtrays and lighters are touchstones for smokers, providing the emotional equivalent of warmth and camaraderie around a campfire. I’ve personally felt no greater sense of oneness with the universe than when creating a macraméed hanger for an ashtray the size of a hubcap. ........E-cigarettes, however, use no fire. They don’t require the usual smoking gestures, such as flicking and reshaping the ash, or delicately spitting out flecks of tobacco with the distinctive ptuh-ptuh sound heard in all countries. Oh, this maketh great heaviness in my heart, for if smokers have no reason to gather, what then will bind us to our fellows and deepen our relationships? Conversation? Kindness?!? C’mon, get serious here. ........Oh, what good fortune to grow up with smoking parents! My siblings and I developed a keen eye for spotting Mom’s burnt matches in our food. As a chain smoker, she never let concentration on a task interfere with a rompin’ good daydream about her former childless life. ........My folks’ smoking also enriched our lives with useful items obtained by redeeming Raleigh coupons. I remember with fondness our avocado-colored water heater, a fondue set we used for growing pot, and a six-foot lava lamp?with macraméed hanger. ........Smoking parents taught valuable facts about everyday physics: (1) Cigarettes always roll toward a pristine, burnable surface; (2) Smoke drifts toward nonsmokers, even if they’re upwind in a hurricane; and (3) Ashes flicked from parents’ windows at the front of a car always re-enter the kids’ rear windows. Wheeee!! For years Mom worried about our sallow complexions, bless her heart, but our rosy cheeks were simply dusted with a fine layer of ash. ........With e-cigs, I suppose we’ll also kiss burn holes goodbye. Dang! More treasured memories down the drain. I remember burning the seat cushion within hours of buying my first brand new vehicle?at full sticker price. It took a while but I’ve finally learned from that. ........Nothing ups the flammability of fabric more than a cloud of loose skin cells flyin’ around.