Posing As Normal© The Humor of Mary Tompsett

BLT? Gee! ........A friend of mine visiting from Georgia said he wanted to attend our annual bash in our area, the one called ProdFest. Prod? As in cattle?? Well, that was a new one. I hadn’t realized Milwaukee was home to a large population of ranchers. Turns out, his southern accent warped the way he said PrideFest! Come to think of it, as we wandered through the festival crowds, we did see gleaming leather vests and chaps like you’d find at a rancher convention. Of course, at PrideFest wearing shirts and jeans underneath is optional. ........Maybe the moon was in its rainbow phase, but around the same time, I answered an online ad to write for a gay comedian in San Francisco. He loved the sample I sent but the deal fell through. So, I figured why waste a few grins that are hot out of the oven and cooling on the rack? With only a couple of recycled ideas, here’s my new routine: ........Hiya, folks! Glad to be here. Any dyslexics in the crowd tonight? My mom is a little dyslexic and we kid her about it. When she tries to say LGBT, it usually comes out as BLT and then she worries about offending someone. I told her, Mom, no big deal. But to be safe, now she just calls us the “sandwich” people. ........Where I live we have a lot of wasps and yellowjackets in summer. I’ve looked at yellowjackets under a microscope, and guess what? They’re not wearing jackets! The males are swaggering around in black leather pants and flexing their oiled, rippling body segments. And it’s easy to pick out the queen. She’s sashaying around in yellow spandex and high heels. Yup, the big gal with big hair…and a five-o’clock shadow. ........By now you’ve heard about Latisse, right? It’s like Rogaine for your eyelids. No more waiting for donor lashes from dead mimes. Guaranteed to sprout thick, long lashes. And it’s safe, according to a government panel of Avon reps. There are a few minor side effects—itching, burning, vision problems, pain, cataracts…and your eyelids could turn brown. Forever! But hey, who doesn’t love koalas?? C’mon, loosen up! So a tranny friend of mine tried the stuff and…well, let’s say he’s living proof that “results may vary.” One eyelid grew lashes that are drop-dead gorgeous. But the other one? Looks like a drunken millipede having a seizure. [Here I toss a snappy comment to a heckler and get big laughs.] ........When I was a kid I begged my mom to let me join Cub Scouts. I didn’t give a sh*t about camping and earning merit badges. No, I wanted to join because I thought the name of the group was Cup Scouts…and that we’d travel around, looking for antique china. ........In high school my zits were so bad I looked like the Tetons with glasses. To boost my self- esteem I auditioned for Ten Commandments: The Musical, and got a lead role as a singing leper. I even designed my own bandages. Of course, I couldn’t design any matching shoes because I didn’t have feet. [Audience cheers as heckler is escorted out.] ........While growing up, did you ever watch Mickey Mouse Club? I’ve always thought that Mickey and Donald Duck had a secret thing going on. Seemed like Mickey was just a little too cute with the buttoned shorts and his high voice. And Minnie? What a sorry excuse for a cover! Now, Tinkerbelle…yeah, Tinks would’ve been good, sexy cover. And Donald?? With his bare- assed waddle and that adorable lisp…c’mon, how could the mouse resist?? ........“Porky Pig…now, that dude had it all. He made the most of a trademark stutter and waltzed his sizzlin’ bacon all the way to the top. His ex-wives, however, dissed him as nothing but a pig. ........Speaking of bacon, be sure to grab a complimentary BLT at the table in back. Thanks a lot, you’ve been great!