Posing As Normal© The Humor of Mary Tompsett

Nursing Home Romp Hang on, silvermuffins, as we zoom ahead 20 years! Imagine we’re settin’ there in the nursing home, reading the following in-house newsletter while cops break up a Bingo fight. THE BOOMER RUMOR RAG – May 2031 Edition: Our recent uprising here at Shady Aches Manor means that change is in the air! From the four choices listed here, please vote on a new facility name: 1) Flab Harbor; 2) Coffin Teaser Geezers; 3) The Gravity Showcase; or 4) Stairway to Heaven. DAILY SCHEDULE – To stay on track, we’ll be piping in selected oldies. When you hear Jumpin’ Jack Flash, get your butt out of bed! You’ll know it’s mealtime at the sound of Jam Up and Jelly Tight. Remember, Under My Thumb means a security lockdown is in effect. Are visiting hours over yet? Listen for Go Away Little Girl. And it’s nighty-night during Eve of Destruction. NEW ACTIVITY! – Do you have artificial joints or metal hardware in your body? Join the fun in our new Magnet Room! Walkers and wheelchairs welcome. FINANCIAL PLANNING – The series is discontinued. It quickly became apparent that the “Live it up before you die” theme yielded no new information or fiscal acumen. LOST – 1981 souvenir cocktail glass from the Sugar Shack. Great sentimental value. The photo of the male stripper on it looks like Jason, our Administrator. Way to go, Jason! Just kidding, in ’81 he would’ve been, what, five years old?? MENTORING PROGRAM – Unlike traditional mentoring programs, you will be mentored by a teenager! Decrease your risk of dementia by learning the latest slang, profanity and lewd rock songs. SWAP SHOP – We’ll continue to offer a select inventory of macraméed hot pants and hemp leisure suits, but have added a new “Visitor Swap” feature. Why suffer through visits with parasitic relatives whose sole interest is a piece of your estate? Sign up for a “visitor swap” and let us redirect the undesirables in your life to someone else’s room! In their place, we’ll introduce you to a complete stranger from the sandwich shop next door. May is BEAUTIFY AMERICA month! Ladies will receive a complimentary session at Bob’s Electrolysis Corner. And every gentleman who surrenders his cheap toupee will receive a deluxe ear wax removal kit, complete with spatulas in four sizes. LAUNDRY TIP – Because clothing stays cleaner when it’s not worn, we’ll lower laundry costs by going nude every Saturday! And for a real hoot, you can enhance the “birthday suit” experience by combining it with a visitor swap! TOOTH OR DARE – Fed up with ill-fitting dentures? Well, now you can kick the denture habit! A support group will teach new techniques for toothless eating, ranging from simple gumming tips to a taffy-eating contest. CAUTION – There will be a $250 fine for starting a sentence with, “I remember when….” and a whopping $500 fine for “Back in the old days….” We may indeed have one disgusting fungal foot already in the grave but, please, let’s not bore each other to death! RUMOR MILL– The grapevine has it that Huggy, our pet python, senses death and will curl up with residents when their demise is near. Although she has been seen slithering from rooms of recently expired residents, there is a growing belief that Huggy actually has paranormal perceptions of the future and is exhibiting reptilian compassion. Let’s be clear, this may simply be the predictable antics of the average 20-foot predator. A committee will look into it. CORRECTION – The bus trip for cheapie medications will tour the Drug Palace, not the Drag Palace. Unfortunately, the poster’s typo has already spurred a stampede to the Swap Shop for evening gowns, wigs, and razors. REPRINTS – Short-term memory loss? No problem, honeybunches. We’ll run this month’s Boomer Rumor Rag again and again. With luck, no one will remember having read it. Until then, go nude on Mondays, and remember “No shoes, no shirt, no pants, no problem!” That’s right, every Wednesday.